Just This Once - Hello Ugly Lynn

All this while, I tell myself and others that a public blog is not a place to be depressed and emo all the time. I make a conscious effort to be positive, appropriate, in my entries. For this entry, I ask your forgiveness for being completely negative and completely inappropriate. I'm just tired of being "the nice one" or "the patient one" or what appears to be "the mature one". For once, I'd like to be the bitchy one, the resentful one, the spiteful one... And I'm gonna let it out here, just this once.

Not many people read this blog anyway, and I want to be real and honest and open with all these negative emotions I'm battling with. I may regret putting this out in the open, but, say hello to the Ugly Lynn Ern.

Also, the last birthday mail was sent out to him today.

To me, it marks the very last thing I do as a girlfriend to him, and I am determined to move on and live a life without him that is way better than the times I had with him. The bitchy me: (1) wants to move on before he does because a boy seems to be able to move on way faster than a girl just because of his make-up, and I'm not gonna let that happen; and (2) wants him to regret this big time.

So, official announcement, it's over. The nice way of putting it, "we ended". The bitchy way of putting it, "he gave up".

I definitely contributed to it. Definitely. Without a doubt. It is not completely all him. It is never all just one person. The disappointing thing is that he has given up at a time that seems to be premature, when things could still be worked out.

Sigh. What is the point of saying all this. The supremely irritating thing is that I know resentment and all other forms of negative emotions and thoughts you see here do me no good. What I need to do is to gain control of my emotions, depend on God and move on. And also, I know he is having a difficult time too, coping with school and life away from home. He is hurt too.

So I always have to return to the point where I am "the nice one"; still trying to be friends with him especially since he is away from home and I know very well from personal experience that being away from home and disconnected from church can be tough; still trying to protect him in case people may think bad of him when I ever get the timing right to tell them of this change in status because I don't want him to leave because of this; still trying to pray for and bless him when my negative emotions just want to scold and resent him for giving me this "cheated" feeling.

Oh God, I am your living sacrifice and I want to live only to please You. A boy's feelings may be inconstant and unreliable, but You are everlasting and never changing. I will pursue Your favour and pleasure. I will pursue You.